Church Life Humor
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ACTUAL Church Bulletin Bloopers:
· Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight
and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
· “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don’t forget your husbands.”
· "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The
sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus."
· "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered."
· The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to conflict.
· The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The
sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
· Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.
· Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
· Thursday night will be a potluck supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.
· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
·A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
·This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
·Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
LUTHERAN AIRLINES, INC.
If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills
airline. You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying
is an uplifting experience. There is no First Class on any Lutheran
Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a
salad, 16-21 a main dish, and 22-30 a dessert. Basses and tenors
please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares
are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the
budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will
acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real
surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000
feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably
indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I
wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You're
gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes.
Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be
honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet...
sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you
get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying
the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us
our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people
say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not
because they may interfere with the plane's navigational system,
which is seat of the pants all the way... no, it's because cell
phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell
phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head. We're
going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing... hymnals in
the seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you
go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace... "Come Lord Jesus be our guest and
let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we
land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen."
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what
the lesson was about. Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll
get your quilts."
Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Everybody knew the roof was leaking, but the church kept putting
off replacement. Finally some areas of the ceiling in the sanctuary
began to sag. They called a congregational meeting. A very wealthy
member rose and pledged $300 toward fixing the roof. Just then a
small piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on the head. Somebody in
the back of the church said, "Hit him again, Lord!"
The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between
his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to
anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.
A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon,
strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed.
He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"
"Practice," the woman answered. "I was the treasurer of a Lutheran
Church for thirty-two years!
Church-Lite
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down?
Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley.
Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments. We trim off guilt
as we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We feature a 7.5% tithe, a
35 minute worship service with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's
sermon is on the Feeding of 500.
Power of Prayer?
A true story: the chairman of the Finance Committee declared the
meeting could not be convened for lack of quorum. He asked one of
the ministers present to lead in a prayer. Tired of the lengthy
meeting, the minister intended to help the cause when he prayed:
"Lord, we thank you for your Word that says, 'where two or three are
gathered in your name, they have a quorum. . ." The meeting was
promptly convened with a full quorum!
Unusual Transfer
After the service a young couple talked to me about joining the
church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church he
was transferring from. After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am
transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
Temptations
A pastor known for his hell-fire-and-brimstone sermons was preaching
one Sunday morning. During the course of his sermon, he looked up to
the choir loft and saw a woman standing so close to the rail that he
could see up her skirt. In shock, he announces to the congregation,
"There is a woman in the choir loft standing so close to the railing
that you can see up her skirt. Anyone who turns around and looks
will go blind." An old man in the front pew covers one eye, turns
around and says, "I'll risk one eye!" R.K.
Praise the Lord . . . everybody!
We were gathered at a little Pentecostal-style church where the
preacher had had a difficult time getting the congregation
involved.....ie..amens, etc. This particular Sunday he was
preaching on praise and worship. He never noticed his mistake. It
was hilarious (but embarrassing we thought) as he yelled out "let
everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!" Everyone tried to
hide their laughter as it seemed improper, but you could hear
snickers throughout the entire congregation.
Forgiveness?
A story is about old Jack and old John, two board members of the
First Church of Sheboygen, who were always at odds with each other.
They were constantly at each others' throat especially in board
meetings. When one of them said "yea," you could be assured that the
other would say "nay."
So, one day old Jack dies and arrives at the pearly gate. He
notices how St. Peter asks everyone a question, before they
proceeded. When it was his turn, St. Peter said: "Hi Jack, to see if
you qualify for heaven, I need to ask you to spell Jesus for me."
"That's easy," says Jack, and goes: "J-E-S-U-S." Peter said: "great,
you're in, but could you do me a small favor and take over here for
a while; I just need to check on something. I'llbe back"
Jack didn't mind and asked everyone in line to spell Jesus. Just
then, old John was coming through the line. "What are you doing
here?" asked old John. Said Jack; "O, I am just filling in for St.
Peter asking everybody to spell a word before they can pass
through." "O yeah, what's the word?" asked John. After thinking for
a moment Jack said: "spell Albuquerque!"
The Catholic Dog
A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog
he loved dearly. One day the dog died and the farmer went to the
parish priest, inquiring if a mass could be for the dead pet.
Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but
maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said:
"Thanks, I'll go right away. By the way, do you think 50,000 is
enough to donate for such a service?" to which Father Patrick
replied: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
What is your church preference?
While filling out an application for employment, the applicant came
to a query
which asked, "What is your Church Preference?"
The man, not being a person of extraordinary intelligence thought
the question
for some time because he really needed the job. He wanted to impress
the
employer and answered very confidently, "I prefer a red brick
church."
What denomination circulates in your church?
A gathering of folding money of various denominations was chatting
about all the places they had recently been. The 1000 Dollar bill
said that he had been traveling all over the world: Rio, Spain,
France, and back to the USA. The 100 Dollar bill said he had been
to the gambling boats: Shreveport,Vicksburg, Baton Rouge. The 1
Dollar bill said it had been travelling from church to church to
church!
A variation of the above
A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up
at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen
the whole world during my lifetime. Why, I've been on cruises in
Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says,
"Well, I've not done quite as well, but I have been to Atlantic
City, Disneyland, and Starbucks." They both turn to the one dollar
bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting to be outdone,
says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been from church to
church to church..." Then the 100 asked, "What's a church?"
Free admission to...what?
I passed a church sign the other day which read: First Baptist
Church presents "Heaven's Gates or Hell's Flames." Free admission!
Which Service?
A young girl observed some plaques on the wall of the church
building and asked her mother: "Mum who are those people? Whose
names are on the wall?" to which mum replied: "They are the people
who died in the service." Immediatley came the retort: "did they die
In the morning or the evening service?"
