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Humor for Lent:

MEMORANDUM

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.
          Woodcrafters shop.
          Nazareth.

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants.
             Jerusalem.

SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test.

DATE: May 22/30
 
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you
picked for management positions in your new organization.
All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have
not only run the results through our computer but also have
arranged personal interviews for each of them with our
psychologist and vocational consultant.
 
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for
the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have
the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your
search for persons of experience in managerial ability and
proven capability.
 
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of
temper.
Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place
personal interest above company loyalty.
Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine
morale.

We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has
been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business
Bureau.
James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely
have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score
on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is
a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has
a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is
highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend
Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All
other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.


 

Marquee Sayings for Lent:

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

It's hard to stumble when you're
down on your knees.

What part of "Thou Shalt Not"
don't you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death. 
Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride. 
He will always want to drive.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides. 
God adds and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don't let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don't like Him,
the devil will always take you back.

Fish for Lent
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.   This went on each Friday of Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John.  He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.  They decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic.  They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.  They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic."  The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around.  The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.  The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?   They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.  The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.  He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

 

Getting Ready for Lent

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
 

An alternative reading of the Scripture passage about the woman caught in adultery:
...and Jesus said: "the one among you who is without sin throw the first stone." Just as he finished his sentence a stone whirred past his head from behind, barely missing him. He turned around and said: "MOM!

The End is Near!
Father Boudreaux and pastor Thibodeaux were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying "De End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car. Well this one car that passed didn't appreciate the sign and was shouting at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and Father Boudreaux said....."You think we should just put up a sign that says: 'bridge out' instead ?"
Harold in Alabama

Loyal Secretary?
A woman called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough. The secretary said I'm sorry, but we don't refer to our pastor as a hog. The lady said I was calling to give your church ten thousand dollars. The secretary then said well hold the phone, I think I see that fat pig coming down the hall right now.

The Story of a Circuit Rider
A preacher was wanting to buy a horse to make his visits in a small farming town. He was sent to an old farmer that had a very unique horse. The preacher wanted to try the horse out, so the old farmer told him what made the horse unique. "If you want the horse to go forward," the old farmer said, "shout Praise the Lord. If you want the horse to stop, yell Hallelujah." The preacher mounted the horse and shouted Praise the Lord. The horse started running. The preacher was so excited that he let the horse continue to run until he saw a great cliff ahead. He yelled stop, halt, quit; but the horse kept running. The preacher finally remembered the words of the old farmer and yelled Hallelujah just in time. The horse skidded to a halt on the very edge of the cliff. The preacher took off his hat, wiped his brow, and said, "Praise the Lord."
 

The Importance of Altar Calls
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.

Something's Gotta Move
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

RECALL NOTICE!
IMPORTANT!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component or heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment. Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in your area is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.

Lenten prayer
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."

From dust you are taken..to dust you shall return
A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change his clothes. When he emerged he asked his mother, "Is it true we come from dust?"     "Yes dear," replied mother.  "Is it true that when we die we go back to the dust?"  "Yes dear, that's right."  The little boy ran into his room and came out all excited, "Mom, I just looked under my bed and there's someone either coming or going!"