Miscellaneous Humor

This page is sponsored by DesperatePreacher.com
--every resource a preacher needs

 

On a nice sunny afternoon a preacher was walking down a dirt road when he came upon a man working in a field full of large fruits and vegies and yells to the man GREAT GARDEN!! the man wipes his face with a rag and walks over to great the preacher "Thanks a lot said the man" The preacher says yes the LORD sure did great work here . The farmer steps back and said Preacher when the lord had this field it was full of stones and sticker bushes!

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

Inside the dinosaur museum the young teenage tour guide was taking the tour group through the museum explaining each display.  He described one dinosaur display as being 2 million years and 6 months old. 

One of the older men in the tour group indicated to the tour guide that it was quite fascinating that he knew very precisely how old the fossil display was.  The older man asked the tour guide, “How did you determine the precise age of this fossil display?” 

The tour guide answered, “Quite simple, when I started work here 6 months ago the fossil was 2 million years old.”    John Kokenzie


A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

Why did the chicken commit suicide?  To get to the other side.
 

The pastor of a local church met a parishioner while walking along the street.  He stopped the man and asked why he did not attended church regularly.  The man replied that the sermons were okay, but he said, "Every time I go to church you sing the same songs!"  The pastor, who was quite proud of the diversity in the church's music, asked the man which songs was he referring to.  Then the man said, " Silent Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem."   Edward Guldner

What Would Jesus Drive?

Environmentalist Christians recently looked with dismay at the fuel efficiency of American cars and asked "What would Jesus drive?"

Maybe this hand-made sign observed on the back of an Amish horse and buggy in Pennsylvania has an answer: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
 

God was finished

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"

A chaplain was preaching to a congregation on a Royal navy ship, just after they had spliced the main brace(had their daily tot of rum).  He chose to speak on the dangers of drinking alcohol. To prove his point he did a little demonstration. He had two glasses in the pulpit one with water and one with Overproofed rum from the spirit room of the ship. He proceeded to drop a worm in the glass of water and it swam around and he dropped a worm in the glass with the rum and the worm died instantly. He then asked what was the moral of the demonstration, and a sailor in the front row obviously in an advanced state of inebriation said "if you are troubled with worms,drink rum"

An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes home every night drunk.   What will I do?"

Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."

The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is here!"

The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

From Fr. Ted's tapes. Toronto Canada

A young boy wished his teenage sister the sign of peace at Mass one Sunday. What did you say she said to him and listened carefully to his reply. Busy, Busy, Boo he said. She was shocked when she heard his answer. It is not Busy, Busy, Boo she said. It is "Peace be with you".
 

The Definition of a modern day Christian:
One who goes to church on Sunday to ask for forgiveness for what he did on Saturday and what he will do on Monday!

A young pastor went to visit a farmer who never came to Sunday services. After encouraging the farmer to attend, the pastor said, "You know, sir, even God rested on the seventh day." "Sure", the old farmer answered, "HE was finished!"

TRUE ORIGINS OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.........and that is how it all began.

A man had been down on his luck, strapped financially. One day, he received $200 anonymously in the mail. He decided to tithe this blessing. He was looking outside his window from the second floor and below stood this disrumpled, down-and-out looking fellow by the pay phone. Here was an opportunity to put his tithe to direct use. So, he puts $20 in an envelope and writes on the outside of it "Don't despair," and drops it out the window. The fellow looks up a little puzzled, but takes it and goes into the phone booth. The next day, there was a knock on the door, and there he stands, handing him several hundred dollar bills. "What's this?," the first fellow says. The disrumpled-looking fellow answers, "It's your share. 'Don't Despair' paid 50 to 1!" ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

This fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand that stood just outside his workplace, placed $2.00 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you." "Oh, I know," the fellow says," you want to know why I lay down $2.00 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?" "No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50." ...Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

Take whatever humor you may out of these s, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email!

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion.

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.

I was driving down a highway when suddenly I came upon a church that had a sign out front that read: "Have trouble sleeping? Come hear one of our sermons!"

There was a family that was very interested in buying a family pet. They decided that it would have to be a Christian pet. So they go to the Christian pet store and begin looking at different animals. They ask to see one dog in particular. The store employee brings it out and says, "this dog does numerous tricks, go fetch.." the dog runs away and brings back a bible. "Look up John 3:16..." the dog flips through the bible and finds the verse. The family was very impressed so they took the dog home. That night the neighbors came over to see the new pet. The father of the family says, "our new dog is incredible. He does lots of tricks...go fetch.." and the dog returns with a bible. "Look up John 3:16.." and the dog finds the verse. The family stands proudly behind the dog as the neighbor asks, "that's great but does he do any normal tricks?" The father nervously looks at his wife and says, "sure! uh...heel..." The dog jumps on his lap, puts his paw on the man's forehead and starts praying.

A man fell off a cliff and was hanging precariously from a tree branch. He cried out "God, please help me!" God answered, "Have faith and I will protect you. Let go of the branch." The man, stunned, cried out, "Is there anyone else up there?"

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."