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Sinners and Publicans

As a Canadian, I was quite interested with the recent U.S. presidential election. Our political systems are quite different. That difference reminded me of an American missionary who came to speak at our church years ago. As he spoke quickly & with little use of his notes, he had a slip of the tongue & instead of speaking about the sinners & publicans Jesus associated with, he mentioned the sinners & Republicans! (I hope any Republicans will laugh at this true story).
 

A politician woke up after an operation to find the curtains (drapes) in his room tightly drawn. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked the nurse. "Is it night time?"

"No" the nurse replied, "But there is a fire across the road and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had been unsuccessful".

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:

IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ" - Rejected Refunds Division Office 1600, Room 412, Cubicle 13, Desk 7, Filing Cabinet 6, Drawer 3, Space 62, Folder 5 Washington, DC 20000-0000

 

Wisdom from George W:
"You've heard it said: "if someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also," but I say unto you: "if someone even looks like they might have the ability to strike, nuke 'em!"  submitted by STK

The Pope was travelling by limousine to an appointment in Dallas. The Pope kept trying to hurry the driver. Frustrated and running late, He insisted that they trade places. The Pope sped down the freeway in the limo far exceeding the speed limit. A police officer pulled him over, and called in to his chief,".....I don't know WHO is in the back of the limousine,.....but THE POPE is driving for him!" No ticket was issued.

God summons Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates to a meeting. At the meeting he told them he was coming again and the end of the world was next week. Go back and prepare. Boris Yeltsin summons his parliament and told them he had two things to tell them and both were bad news. 1. There is a God. 2. The end of the world is next week. Bill Clinton went back and summoned the Senate and said I have good news and bad news. 1. There is a god. 2. the end of the world is next week. Bill Gates went back and called his board meeting and said I have two items of good news. 1. I am one of the three most important men in the world. 2. There is no millennium bug problem.

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate and ushered her in. Hilliary looked around and saw clocks everywhere. She said to St. Peter "Why are all these clocks here?" St. Peter replied, "Hilliary, everytime someone on earth told a lie, one second moved on the clock." Hilliary looked around and saw one clock that that not "ticked off" one second. She asked "Whose clock is that?" St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. She never told a lie in her life." "That's wonderful," Hilliary replied. She looked at another clock and it appeared two seconds had "ticked off." Whose clock is that? Hillialry inquired. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock" St. Peter replied. "He only told two lies in his life." That's amazing! Hilliary replied. She then asked St. Peter "Where's Bill's clock, St. Peter?" "Oh, it's upstairs" St. Peter replied. "Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan!"

Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black friend would argue that God was black, and the white friend would disagree and say that God was white. One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back, they were still arguing about whether or not God was black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an accident, and they found themselves in heaven. When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates. Again, the question was was brought up, "Is God black or white?" St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and God would come out and talk to them. While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether God was black or white. Then they heard some loud footsteps coming and they turned to see God. The door swung open and God stepped in and said to the men, "Buenas tardes, caballeros!"

A little boy needed $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5.00. He thought $5.00 would be lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. I noticed that You had to send it through Washington; as usual, those morons deducted $95.00. Thanks anyway!

A freshman in college started his first day of classes. His professor was clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following: "Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand. If there is anyone here who can hear God, raise your hand. If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand." After a short pause, with no response from the students, he concluded, "Since no one can see, smell or hear God, there is no God." A student then raised his hand and asked to address the class. The Student approached the class and asked, "Students, can anyone here see the professor's brain? Can anyone here hear the professor's brain? Can anyone here smell the professor's brain?" After a short pause, he concluded, "Since no one can see, hear or smell the professor's brain, I conclude that he has no brain!