Sermon Humor

When my daughter was about three I took her to bed and asked what she would like to pray about.  Promptly she answered: "onions."  We prayed about onions and the next morning I asked why she wanted to pray about onions.  "Because you said in your sermon that we should pray for things we dont like."

True story
Once  I was invited to preach for a Christmas Service in a rural Church.  Seeing that it was very crowded and sensitive to the time issue, I asked the Pastor, 'How long do I have for the sermon?". The pastor replied, You can preach for about an hour".   Still wondering about how I could stretch my manuscript, I soon found out that I was not the only preacher, and the preacher before me also preached for an hour!

Richard Kishore@rediffmail.com
 

Length of a Sermon

How long should a good sermon be? It should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested!

Stop, Thief!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!" GAB in RN

Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me
Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a second

-Michelle

A brand new pastor came out to his first church.  As usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to die.   Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals.  He did not have time to write his regular Sunday Sermons.  So he used the sermon from the Sunady before - 3 more times.  The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row.  The Bishop asked what the sermon was about.   The Council couldn't remember, they scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't remember.  The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."
 

A Roman Catholic Priest, an Anglican priest and a Baptist preacher were standing near a river conversing when the subject of which church was nearest to the teaching of God arose. The Roman Catholic priest said that of course there was no argument that the Roman Catholic church was they were descended directly from the Apostles, in fact Peter was their first Pope. He said in fact so close are we that I can even walk on water like Jesus and he proceeded to walk on the water to the other side.

The Anglican Priest said the Anglican church was very similar in origin to the Catholics and he too demonstrated his ability to walk on water like Jesus Christ. The Baptist preacher said that he could not care where their origins were, he studied the word and preached it purely, and without any embellishments. Since the could walk on water he should be even better at it. He took one step forward and sunk knee deep into the river. athe Roman Catholic Priest whispered to the Anglican Priest, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church."

A sigh of relief went through the congregation.

The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket."
 

In years gone by in central Alabama lived Rev. Sam the local Methodist preacher. Rev. Sam had two sons who had the responsability of bringing in the stove wood. Boy's reported to ther dad that some one was stealing the stove wood. So Rev. Sam told his sons that untill futher notice that he would bring in the stove wood himself. This did not bother the boy's at all. Two days later there was a loud crash that came from the neighbors house. Soon after the boy's ran in to report to their dad that the neighbors stove had just blew up. Rev. Sam explained that he had hid blasting caps in the stove wood pile and fron now on it would be safe for them to start being in the stove wood again.      

One clergy family decided to let their three-year-old son record the message for their home answering machine. The rehearsals went smoothly: “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Then came the test. The father pressed the record button and their son said sweetly, "Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as Jesus comes.”

A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his sermons - which were rather long and tedious.  One of the congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service, slipped into the pulpit and removed one page at random.
The preacher began.  After a while he reached the point where the page was gone.   "And Adam said unto Eve..."  He paused.   "And Adam, err, said unto Eve...There seems to be a leaf missing!"
 

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter from his mother he just got that morning. As he opened it a twenty dollar bill fell out. He thought: "Thanks, mom, I could use that right about now." As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. He thought: "That fella could probably use the $20 more than I."
 
So he crossed out the names on the envelope and put the $20 in the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters. "PERSEVERE!" So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, while the pastor was eating his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised the young pastor asked him what that was for? The man replied, this is your half of the winnings. "PERSEVERE" came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday, and he paid 30 to 1.

A sermon should be modeled as a woman's dress... long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting!!!

Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a town in South Carolina, and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a little boy in the main street how he could get to the post office. After the boy had given him directions, Billy said, "If you come to the central Baptist church tonight, I'll tell you how to get to heaven." The boy replied, "No thanks, you don't even know how to get to the post office!"

There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The monkeys, being afraid, responded, "YOU are!" The lion replied, "And don't you forget it!" The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants. The little lion roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his trunk, swung him around and around and threw him in the river. Battered and wet, the little lion replied, "Just because you didn't know the answer to the question didn't mean you had to get nasty about it!"

Most of us roar through life without God in the same way - as if we are kings of the jungle - until life throws us in a tail spin and shows us that we are not.

A Baptist preacher, while beginning his text, said this to the congregation: "I'm gonna tell you the same thing Elizabeth Taylor told all her husbands. And that is - 'I'm not gonna keep you long!'" SLM

A young and new lay preacher was asked to lead an evening service at a church he had not visited before. A few days before the service he met a farmer who he knew to be a member of the church he was to visit. The hugely over-weight farmer was apologetic, saying that he would not be at church that evening and what was his sermon text? The preacher told him, and even went through how he was to expound the particular scripture. The farmer was delighted that he had shared it with him and went on his way. > > The preacher decided that he would attend morning service that Sunday at the church to get a feel for the place and its ambience. As he took his pew he noticed a ladder left against the side of the pulpit. When the service began he was surprised to see that the farmer was the preacher. As he could not get into the pulpit by the narrow door the farmer had to climb the ladder and swing himself over the pulpit side. He then proceeded to preach the same sermon as that prepared by the young preacher. The young man was extremely annoyed after he had put hours of work into his sermon for that evening. > > When he eventually entered the pulpit that evening, he announced to the congregation, “My text this evening is St John, Chapter 10, verse 1, ‘Jesus said, verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber! ’” Keith Alexander.

One Evangelist said, "My sermons are like chickens with their heads cut off- once you think the sermon is done, it just jumps back up and runs in another direction!"

Fishers of men. In the children's sermon I had the children share how to catch fish. Then I asked what we would need to do to catch people. One boy answered: "Throw them in." bc in MO

Our Catholic preist likes to tell of a time when he'd said "I think there is something wrong with my mike". Well he was right, the mike was not on so the congregation had not heard him but assumed he'd said his usual "May Christ's peace be with you". The congregation gave its typical response of "And also with you."

A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't struck oil, stop boring!

A priest whose sermons were very long and boring, announced in the church on a Sunday that he had been transferred to another church and that it was Jesus' wish that he leave that week.

The gathering in the church got up and sang : "What a Friend we have in Jesus !"

I was a 60 year old widow when I remarried a widower of the same age from our church. We decided on a church wedding, and my husband's daughter was explaining to her 3 year old what would happen at the ceremony. She did not go to church, and he had never been either. She told him, "Now, first the preacher will come out, and then Grandpa will come out the door after him." > Not knowing what a "preacher" was, the little boy asked, "Will the CREATURE hurt us?" He thought it was a comic-strip creature that would come out.

True story: A preacher instructed his congregation to boycott Hardee's restaurants because he saw the sign at Hardee's that read "free condoms." Unfortunatley for him, he had misread the sign. It actually read, "free condiments."

A woman by the name of Gladys Dunne was visiting a church for the first time. After the service, as the congregation was exchanging greetings, she extended her hand to a parishoner and said, "Hi, I'm Gladys Dunn." The parishoner says, "I'm glad he's done, too!" Submitted by Bud Brooks, Pastor, Stamping Ground Christian Church, Stamping Ground, KY.

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, "Pastor, that was a very good sermon." The pastor says, "Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." "It wasn't THAT good!" she says.

The definition of a good sermon: It should have a good beginning. It should have a good ending. And they should be as close together as possible.

I once heard of a pastor who was offering a series of children's sermons on the symbols of the church. On one Sunday the pastor was speaking about vestments and asked the question, "Why do you think I wear this collar?" To this question came the response, "Because it kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months."

One  beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation:   "My good  people,  I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.

Three ministers were discussing the problem of bats in the attic at church and how difficult they were to get rid of. The first minister said that his congregation had tried "smoking them out", but they still came back. Another had tried poisoning them, but enough survived to repopulate the attic. The third minister shared his solution: "I just baptized and confirmed them all, and they NEVER came back!"

Young Assisant Pastor Bill was giving his 427th children's sermon. "Now kids," says Pastor Bill, "What's green, lives in the pond, sits on a lily pad, and hops?" The children looked at each other with vacant eyes as silence ruled that magical time. "Surely, someone has an idea?" Finally, little Susie stood up and said, "Well, it sounds like a frog, but it must be Jesus!"

What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and lays it on top of the pulpit before his sermon? Usually nothing.

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

One Sunday Evening our Pastor, who is as long winded as they come, was preaching up a storm. And I suppose he had even almost put himself to sleep. He was preaching his heart out and saying "For God will never leave you, nor forsake you." As he drew to close that evening He said " And remember tell someone you leave em before you leave." He never realized what he said but the whole congregation got a good chuckle out of it as we all turned to one another and said "I leave Ya" It was a fun moment. LOL God Bless you all.

A flat-lander was invited to preach in a mountain Baptist church. He was worried, remembering that they eschewed educated preachers and were known for their fundamentalism and simplistic approach to the gospel. He preached with masterful command of allegory and hard truths veiled in simile. At the close of his message he gave the expected invitation and just one old gentleman in starched overalls responded. He came forward and whispered in the minister's ear, "Young feller, I want you to know that I know that just because the water's muddy, don't mean it's deep!"

The old preacher had spent 40 years pastoring in the same church and was highly respected in the community. The end of his life was drawing near and as he lay on his death bed he ask for the local banker and the local lawyer to come and spend his last hours with him. Both were impressed that they would be ask and discussed amoung themselves what great pearl of wisdom the old pastor wished to share with them. As they enter his room he motioned for one to sit on his left and one on his right. As they sat down a great peace came upon the man of God, 30 minutes passed and not a word was spoken. Finially the banker leaned forward and ask, Reverend, we were wondering what great pearl of wisdom you may want to share with us since you called us here. The old preacher looked at him and replied, "as you know Jesus has been my example all my life, and since he died between two theives I decided thats the way I wanted to go".

Preacher with bandaid on his chin; "I'm sorry about this bandaid. I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon"

Voice from the congregation: "Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"

As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I am sure you were fine."  --Sue in Cuba, KS

What's the difference between giving God a thithe and giving a tip?    A tip is 15%.

There was a preacher that was trying out for a church. He always used notes when he preached but he wanted to really impress the congregation with his knowledge of the word, so he taped his notes to the inside of his suit jacket. He began preaching, he said, "Brothers and sisters the first man in the bibles name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Adam.". He began to preach on Adam for awhile. He went to another point and said, "Brothers and sisters the name of the man who built the arks name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Noah.". He preached on Noah for awhile. About this time, he had been preaching with so vigoursly and did not notice that the notes he had taped to his jacket had fallen to the floor. He said to the congregation, "Brothers and sisters the man who the bible says was after God's own heart was, he pulled open he jacket and said, JC Penny!".

At a preacher's convention a preacher got up and started his sermon with this sentence; "I spent the
best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife!"  As the congregation gasped he said, "She was my mother!"
Back home a young preacher decided to use this line in his sermon, but he was feeling a bit uncertain that he
remembered it right.  Forging ahead he started with, "I spent the  best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife". 
The congregation gasped and the preacher paused, forgetting what the punch line was.    After a few nervous moments he said,
"And I can't remember who she was!"

A pastor was preaching on the Minor Prophets...all
twelve of them in one sermon. After two hours he was
only half-way through his message. Everyone was getting
restless. Most had stopped paying attention. After four
hours, to everyone's relief, he said "Finally...". It
was almost over, they thought. Then to their horror,
the Pastor said, "Oh my, I forgot about Micah...what
shall we do with Micah?". One old lady sitting right
in front could take no more. She stood up and said,
"Hey, preacher! Micah can take my seat...I'm going
home!".

The Reverend Doctor Baptist preacher was holding revival at a rural church. After three inspired sermons one of the senior saints of the congregation commented as she shook his hand on her way out:

"Sir, when they told my we were having one of those professor types to preach our revival, I was not expecting to get much out of it.  But may I say that for a PhD, you preach like a man with no education at all."

A Pulpit committee went to hear a prospective minister preach.  The best thing they liked about his sermon is that it was only 10 minutes long.  They immediately called him as their new Pastor.  His first week in the new church he preached a 30 minute sermon.  The next week his sermon was almost 2 hours.  The Deacons met with him and asked him to explain.  His response was, that the first time the committee heard him preach, he had a new set of dentures in his mouth that hurt him terribly so he could barely preach 10 minutes and had to stop talking because of the pain.    The second time he preached, he said that his dentures felt fine so he preached a normal 30 minute sermon. They said that explains those 2 sermons, but please explain to us this last sermon that was 2 hours long.  He said that's easy, I got up that particular morning and accidentally put My Wife's Dentures in my mouth, and when I started talking I couldn't shut up! 

A Methodist preacher was getting really enthusiastic in his preaching to a group of Christians all gathered at one location, when he said "It's great to see so many Methodists here today".  A voice from near the front said "I'm C of E".  Seeing an interesting discussion there he turned to the man and said "Why are you C of E?".  "Because my father was, and my father was because his grandfather was".  This wasn't quite what the Methodist had been aiming for so he tried a different way: "What if your grandfather had been mad?    What if your father had been mad as well?".  "Well", came the reply "I guess I would be a Methodist"

Preacher: Can everyone hear me at the back?
Voice from the back: Yes, but I wouldn't mind changing seats with someone who can't.

A preacher preached a vigorous sermon and a lady in the congregation praised him highly and suggested that he should publish his sermons. The preacher told her he was planning they be published posthumously. To which she replied, "Well good, the sooner the better."

A young man preaching for the first time stood before the people as the moments passed. At last, opening his mouth, slowly he began to speak,..."On the way here this morning,. only God and I knew what I was to share with you,...and now oly God knows!                          JLR

One Sunday after the preacher had preached a vigorous sermon, he was met by a little old lady at the door who said, "You know Pastor, every sermon you preach is better than your next one."

If you believe that the Spirit moves the best on the back two pews... You might be a Baptist.

Two snakes slithering down the road. One snake turned to the other and asked are we poisonous?  The other snake replied I don't know why do you ask?  He said cause I just bit my lip.  THIS IS AN EXCELLENT ICE BREAKER FOR VISITING PREACHERS.

A pastor was bragging that it only took him the time to walk from the parsonage to the church to get his sunday sermon so the congregation bought him a new house 10 miles from the church.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.    After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A young preacher was preaching his first sermon and he laid his notes out on the pulpit and about that time in came a blast of wind and blew his notes out of the window. Nervous the young man laughed and said I am sorry I lost my notes I guess I will just have to trust God.
 

A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention. Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up." The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?" The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."

Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for it.

The preacher was shaking hands with the members of his congregation after a service when one man approached him and said, "That was a wonderful sermon today, pastor!" Filled with christian modesty, the preacher replied, "Oh, it wasn't me, it was God." To which the reply came, "It wasn't that good."

A new Preacher came to his first church, a little old country church. The first Sunday, only one person showed up for the morning service, a little old man in bib-over-alls. The Preacher said to the man, "Brother, your seem to be the only one to show up this morning, should I preach or what?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher, I'm just an old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay, and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that cow!" The Preacher, inspired by these words of wisdom, began to preach like he never had before, he preached every thing he had learned or heard and then began to make up stuff, finally after 2-hours, he finished. He looked to the little old man and said, "Well brother, what did you think of my first sermon here?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher,I'm just a little old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I wouldn't dump the whole load on him!" ceb 8/5/99

What do you call it when the elders agree with the Minister's plans?

Ans. "Time For Supper"

Commitment: The chicken and the pig were walking past the church one day and discussing the problems of world hunger. The chicken suggested that between her species and the pig's they could provide everyone in the world with a good breakfast of bacon and eggs every morning. The pig thought long and hard before replying, 'That's OK for you to say, because from you that's only a contribution - from me that's total commitment!'

The preacher was in the middle of his sermon when a man all of a sudden had a heart attack. They called the ambulance and made sure everyone remained where they were as they waited. The paramedics came and enter the sanctuary and went to half the congregation before they actually found the man that was really dead.

It was at the cemetery, on Memorial Day. The little boy asked his mother why some of the graves had flags on them. She explained, "Those are the ones that died in the service". He replied, "Was that the morning worship service or the evening worship service.

A child's version of his nightly prayer:

Now I lay me down to rest, I pray the Lord I pass the test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take!

One day a little girl went up to her mother and said, "Mommy I have a stumicache!" Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty dear, you have to put something into it." Later that night when they had the pastor over for dinner he said,"I have a headache!" The little girl smiled and replied, That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

This is kinda cute: One Sunday when a faithful Christian had no sermon to attend he took his father's advice to do something that he had never ever done before. He went bear hunting as his father suggested. Believe it or not, the first time he goes bear hunting ever he sees a bear who grows rather suspicious of him. The bear advances toward the christian man and the man gets shaken from this and he runs away from the bear (not a good idea!) He tries to climb up a near-by tree but fails and loses his balance completely! The man his numbed in fear but he still tries to pretend like he's dead. But the bear knows better and he gets up on his hind legs and he makes himself big. The bear is ready to attack the man. Just as the man thinks that he is surely going to die he prays to god in his head and he says: "Please god don't let me die! Not now! Not today!" He prays tog od and says: "please god I wish for you to transform this bear into a christian!" The man looks up and he is releived as the bear kneels down to the ground, puts his paws together and says: "Dear god thank-you for this food that I am about to recieve!"

One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." Then the Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a good show for the nickle you put in the collection plate." BB-AL

One Sunday after the usual sermon, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation to prepare for next week's sermon. He said the sublect would be lying and that everyone needed to read the 17th chapter in the book of Mark. Everyone uttered a sound of approval. Next week after the congregational singing the preacher said,"If you read Mark 17 please raise your hand." And everyone in the congregation did. Then the preacher said, "Now I am ready to start my sermon on lying" And he stated "There is no Mark 17!!" Remeber to read your Bible and to never lie to the preacher! God Bless!

A preacher was off $500.00 to do a funeral of a man that was the worst sinner in the world, the only stipulation was that he had to refer to him as a saint in his sermon, The day of the funeral, the preacher got up and said: this man was a drunk, he was a cheat, he was thief, but incomparison to his brothers he was a saint.

A true story: A methodist minister from England did an exchange with a minister from America. As he was arriving on a Saturday and was expected to preach on the following day he arrived all prepared!

At the appropriate time he stood up and announced "My sermon this morning is on the three buts"!! He couldn't understand why most of the congregation were grinning. Fotunately they soon realised he meant but, they'd heard butt. - Don Maskell (East Yorkshire, UK)

This is simlar to another  on this page...

An Englishman was traveling in the United States where he heard that ministers regularly used humor in the pulpit. He decided he would try to learn from the example of his American colleagues. One Sunday he found himself in a large Methodist Church. Suddenly the minister said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation was in shock until he drew himself up and said, "My mother." The congregation then laughed and the Englishman thought, "Jolly good! I must remember that!" On his return to England he entered the pulpit and decided to repeat the story told by the American. "The best years of my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife." At this point he drew a complete blank. The congregation began to whisper and murmur. His wife folded her arms and became cherry red. His mother-in-law, who had come to church that Sunday was gritting her teeth. So he repeated himeself (hoping to remembed the punchline): "The best years of my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife... ." Alas, to no avail. So he said "For the life of me I cannot remember who she was!" Now there was pandemonium in the congregation. Some key lay leadership were heading for the doors, when he rememered! And he shouted out, "Oh... oh yes, I remember now. It was the mother of a Methodist minister in America!" her teeth buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."

Note over the baby changing station at a united methodist church: WE SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP BUT WE SHALL BE CHANGED.

After an exceptionally long and boring sermon the congregation filed out of the church not saying a word to the pastor. After a while a man shook the pastor's hand and said, "Pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was ecstatic. "No-one has ever said anything like that about one of my sermons before! Tell me, how did it remind you of the peace and love of God?" "Well", said the man, "it reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all human understanding and it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever!"

A new preacher from the East just received his first church home in the foot hills of Montana. He arrives in time to greet the outgoing preacher who gives him a warm welcome and helps him get established in the parsonage. Being Wednesday now, the new preacher decides to get started on his first sermon, which he labors over for the next 3 days. Practice, practice, practice! On Sunday morning, he comes to church, climbs up into the pulpit and looks down into the congregation - only to see one cowboy sitting in the front row. Somewhat disappointed, he asks the cowboy, .." I've practiced my sermon for quite some time, but since you are the only one here, maybe I should just skip it. What do you think?" The cowboy replied,.." Well, if I went out to the pasture to feed my cattle, and only one cow showed up - I would certainly feed it!" Reassured, the new preacher lit into his text with full zeal. 45 minutes later, exausted from his efforts, the preacher asked the cowboy,.." well, what do you think?" The cowboy replied,.." Like I told you, if I went to the pasture to feed my cattle, and only one cow showed up - I would feed it............but I sure wouldn't give it the full load!!!"

I have a friend who has a poster in his office which speaks volumes. A pastor is in front of his congregation, preaching for all he is worth. Hundreds of parishioners sit before him. And there in the front row is Jesus ---- asleep.

Several churches now serve coffee after the sermons. Maybe this is to make sure they are fully awake before driving home.

Ordinand to Bishop: "Bishop, that was a great sermon, but sometimes I couldn't tell when you were talking about God and when you were talking about bishops".

Bishop: "Young man, in your situation, you would do well to blur the distinction".

Before a pastor began to preach one Sunday morning he thought he should explain why he had a Bandaid on his chin. "As I was shaving this morning I was thinking about today's message when I lost my concentration and accidentally cut my chin with the razor." He then went on to preach the longest message of his life. After the service one of the teens greeted the pastor and said, "Pastor, next week why don't you think about your shaving and cut the sermon." Mark Patterson

We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Methodist family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly "out" in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymn book. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.

Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."