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A preacher was on program at a district convention to preach for
twenty minutes. The other preachers from the district were sitting
behind him in the choir section, giving him moral support and
throwing in an occassional "Amen" to help the preacher along. The
preacher preached his twenty minutes and continued on despite alloted
time. He preached for 30 minutes, then forty minutes and then for
an hour. He even continued for an hour and ten minutes. Finally, a
brother sitting on the front row took a song book and threw it at
the preacher that was still going strong in his message. The
preacher saw the song book as it was hurled his way and he ducked.
The song book hit one of the preachers sitting in the choir
section. As the man in the choir section was going down, you could
hear him say, "Hit me again, I can still hear him preaching!"
This is a true stroy. Several years ago I was conducting a revial
in a town where we had a small mission church. One night, a
husband and wife came into the church just a few minutes after the
service began. They were dressed in tattered clothing, and the
smell of liquor was strong on them. During the song service they
would raise their hands and say out loud, "Sing it honey child!"
They would cry and then man took a dirty hankerchief and wiped his
tears. The wide decided she wanted his hankerchief and they began
to fight over it, back and forth like little children. When it
came time to receive the offering for the evening, the man reached
into his pocket and dropped a few coins into the plate. The wife
hollered out loud, "You told me you didn't have any money!"
Submitted by Vernon
When my daughter was about three I took her to bed and asked what
she would like to pray about. Promptly she answered: "onions." We
prayed about onions and the next morning I asked why she wanted to
pray about onions. "Because you said in your sermon that we should
pray for things we dont like."
Once I was invited to preach for a Christmas Service in a rural
Church. Seeing that it was very crowded and sensitive to the time
issue, I asked the Pastor, 'How long do I have for the sermon?". The
pastor replied, You can preach for about an hour". Still wondering
about how I could stretch my manuscript, I soon found out that I was
not the only preacher, and the preacher before me also preached for
Length of a Sermon
How long should a good sermon be? It should be like a woman's
skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your
sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the
man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand
there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two
38's!" GAB in RN
Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me
Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a second
A brand new pastor came out to his first church. As
usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited
for their new pastor to die. Consequently in four weeks he did
eight funerals. He did not have time to write his regular Sunday
Sermons. So he used the sermon from the Sunady before - 3 more
times. The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new
pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row. The Bishop asked
what the sermon was about. The Council couldn't remember, they
scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really
couldn't remember. The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."
A Roman Catholic Priest, an Anglican priest and a Baptist
preacher were standing near a river conversing when the subject of
which church was nearest to the teaching of God arose. The Roman
Catholic priest said that of course there was no argument that the
Roman Catholic church was they were descended directly from the
Apostles, in fact Peter was their first Pope. He said in fact so
close are we that I can even walk on water like Jesus and he
proceeded to walk on the water to the other side.
The Anglican Priest said the Anglican church was very similar in
origin to the Catholics and he too demonstrated his ability to walk
on water like Jesus Christ. The Baptist preacher said that he could
not care where their origins were, he studied the word and preached
it purely, and without any embellishments. Since the could walk on
water he should be even better at it. He took one step forward and
sunk knee deep into the river. athe Roman Catholic Priest whispered
to the Anglican Priest, "Do you think we should tell him where the
A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad
news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage
on the church."
A sigh of relief went through the congregation.
The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in
Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher,
Jack came out of church before the preacher had finished his
Outside he met a friend who asked, "Has he finished,
He replied, "Oh yes, he's finished, but he won't stop!" . .
. Keith Alexander
In years gone by in central Alabama lived Rev. Sam the local
Methodist preacher. Rev. Sam had two sons who had the responsability
of bringing in the stove wood. Boy's reported to ther dad that some
one was stealing the stove wood. So Rev. Sam told his sons that
untill futher notice that he would bring in the stove wood himself.
This did not bother the boy's at all. Two days later there was a
loud crash that came from the neighbors house. Soon after the boy's
ran in to report to their dad that the neighbors stove had just blew
up. Rev. Sam explained that he had hid blasting caps in the stove
wood pile and fron now on it would be safe for them to start being
in the stove wood again.
One clergy family decided to let their three-year-old
son record the message for their home answering machine. The
rehearsals went smoothly: “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone
right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief
message, they’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Then came the test. The father pressed the record button and their
son said sweetly, "Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right
now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message,
they’ll get back to you as soon as Jesus comes.”
A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his
sermons - which were rather long and tedious. One of the
congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service,
slipped into the pulpit and removed one page at random.
The preacher began. After a while he reached the point where the
page was gone. "And Adam said unto Eve..." He paused. "And
Adam, err, said unto Eve...There seems to be a leaf missing!"
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH
YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU’RE BORED…
10) Look down it at
09) Poke it into
someone else’s business (Strife / Dissension)
08) Snoop around with
it (Nosey / Gossip)
07) Get it out of
06) Cut it off to
spite your face (Bitterness)
05) Pay through it
04) Find something
right under it (Love / Salvation)
03) See past it
(Eternity / Hope)
02) Keep it clean
(Humility / Obedience)
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO
DO WITH YOUR NOSE…
01) Get it stuck in a
book (The Bible!)
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He
opened a letter from his mother he just got that morning. As he
opened it a twenty dollar bill fell out. He thought: "Thanks, mom, I
could use that right about now." As he finished his meal he noticed
a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. He
thought: "That fella could probably use the $20 more than I."
So he crossed out the names on the envelope and put the $20 in the
envelope and wrote across the top in large letters. "PERSEVERE!" So
as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and
dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read
the message and smiled. The next day, while the pastor was eating
his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a
big wad of bills. Surprised the young pastor asked him what that was
for? The man replied, this is your half of the winnings. "PERSEVERE"
came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday, and he paid
30 to 1.
A sermon should be modeled as a woman's dress... long enough to
cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting!!!
Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his
preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a
town in South Carolina, and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a
little boy in the main street how he could get to the post office.
After the boy had given him directions, Billy said, "If you come to
the central Baptist church tonight, I'll tell you how to get to
heaven." The boy replied, "No thanks, you don't even know how to get
to the post office!"
There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test
whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals
as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he
roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The monkeys,
being afraid, responded, "YOU are!" The lion replied, "And don't you
forget it!" The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and
got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants. The
little lion roared and asked, "WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?" The
big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his
trunk, swung him around and around and threw him in the river.
Battered and wet, the little lion replied, "Just because you didn't
know the answer to the question didn't mean you had to get nasty
Most of us roar through life without God in the same way - as if
we are kings of the jungle - until life throws us in a tail spin and
shows us that we are not.
A Baptist preacher, while beginning his text, said this to the
congregation: "I'm gonna tell you the same thing Elizabeth Taylor
told all her husbands. And that is - 'I'm not gonna keep you long!'"
A young and new lay preacher was asked to lead an evening service
at a church he had not visited before. A few days before the service
he met a farmer who he knew to be a member of the church he was to
visit. The hugely over-weight farmer was apologetic, saying that he
would not be at church that evening and what was his sermon text?
The preacher told him, and even went through how he was to expound
the particular scripture. The farmer was delighted that he had
shared it with him and went on his way. > > The preacher decided
that he would attend morning service that Sunday at the church to
get a feel for the place and its ambience. As he took his pew he
noticed a ladder left against the side of the pulpit. When the
service began he was surprised to see that the farmer was the
preacher. As he could not get into the pulpit by the narrow door the
farmer had to climb the ladder and swing himself over the pulpit
side. He then proceeded to preach the same sermon as that prepared
by the young preacher. The young man was extremely annoyed after he
had put hours of work into his sermon for that evening. > > When he
eventually entered the pulpit that evening, he announced to the
congregation, “My text this evening is St John, Chapter 10, verse 1,
‘Jesus said, verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not
the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the
same is a thief and a robber! ’” Keith Alexander.
One Evangelist said, "My sermons are like chickens with their
heads cut off- once you think the sermon is done, it just jumps back
up and runs in another direction!"
Fishers of men. In the children's sermon I had the children share
how to catch fish. Then I asked what we would need to do to catch
people. One boy answered: "Throw them in." bc in MO
Our Catholic preist likes to tell of a time when he'd said "I
think there is something wrong with my mike". Well he was right, the
mike was not on so the congregation had not heard him but assumed
he'd said his usual "May Christ's peace be with you". The
congregation gave its typical response of "And also with you."
A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't
struck oil, stop boring!
A priest whose sermons were very long and boring, announced in
the church on a Sunday that he had been transferred to another
church and that it was Jesus' wish that he leave that week.
The gathering in the church got up and sang : "What a Friend we
have in Jesus !"
I was a 60 year old widow when I remarried a widower of the same
age from our church. We decided on a church wedding, and my
husband's daughter was explaining to her 3 year old what would
happen at the ceremony. She did not go to church, and he had never
been either. She told him, "Now, first the preacher will come out,
and then Grandpa will come out the door after him." > Not knowing
what a "preacher" was, the little boy asked, "Will the CREATURE hurt
us?" He thought it was a comic-strip creature that would come out.
True story: A preacher instructed his congregation to boycott
Hardee's restaurants because he saw the sign at Hardee's that read
"free condoms." Unfortunatley for him, he had misread the sign. It
actually read, "free condiments."
A woman by the name of Gladys Dunne was visiting a church for the
first time. After the service, as the congregation was exchanging
greetings, she extended her hand to a parishoner and said, "Hi, I'm
Gladys Dunn." The parishoner says, "I'm glad he's done, too!"
Submitted by Bud Brooks, Pastor, Stamping Ground Christian Church,
Stamping Ground, KY.
The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A
woman said, "Pastor, that was a very good sermon." The pastor says,
"Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." "It wasn't THAT
good!" she says.
The definition of a good sermon: It should have a good beginning.
It should have a good ending. And they should be as close together
I once heard of a pastor who was offering a series of children's
sermons on the symbols of the church. On one Sunday the pastor was
speaking about vestments and asked the question, "Why do you think I
wear this collar?" To this question came the response, "Because it
kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months."
One beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that
lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.
Three ministers were discussing the problem of bats in the attic
at church and how difficult they were to get rid of. The first
minister said that his congregation had tried "smoking them out",
but they still came back. Another had tried poisoning them, but
enough survived to repopulate the attic. The third minister shared
his solution: "I just baptized and confirmed them all, and they
NEVER came back!"
Young Assisant Pastor Bill was giving his 427th children's
sermon. "Now kids," says Pastor Bill, "What's green, lives in the
pond, sits on a lily pad, and hops?" The children looked at each
other with vacant eyes as silence ruled that magical time. "Surely,
someone has an idea?" Finally, little Susie stood up and said,
"Well, it sounds like a frog, but it must be Jesus!"
What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and lays
it on top of the pulpit before his sermon? Usually nothing.
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday
morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the
couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who
were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come
to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and
six single men stepped to the front.
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the
Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be
married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who
were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and
six single men stepped to the front.
One Sunday Evening our Pastor, who is as long winded as they
come, was preaching up a storm. And I suppose he had even almost put
himself to sleep. He was preaching his heart out and saying "For God
will never leave you, nor forsake you." As he drew to close that
evening He said " And remember tell someone you leave em before you
leave." He never realized what he said but the whole congregation
got a good chuckle out of it as we all turned to one another and
said "I leave Ya" It was a fun moment. LOL God Bless you all.
A flat-lander was invited to preach in a mountain Baptist church.
He was worried, remembering that they eschewed educated preachers
and were known for their fundamentalism and simplistic approach to
the gospel. He preached with masterful command of allegory and hard
truths veiled in simile. At the close of his message he gave the
expected invitation and just one old gentleman in starched overalls
responded. He came forward and whispered in the minister's ear,
"Young feller, I want you to know that I know that just because the
water's muddy, don't mean it's deep!"
The old preacher had spent 40 years pastoring in the same church
and was highly respected in the community. The end of his life was
drawing near and as he lay on his death bed he ask for the local
banker and the local lawyer to come and spend his last hours with
him. Both were impressed that they would be ask and discussed amoung
themselves what great pearl of wisdom the old pastor wished to share
with them. As they enter his room he motioned for one to sit on his
left and one on his right. As they sat down a great peace came upon
the man of God, 30 minutes passed and not a word was spoken.
Finially the banker leaned forward and ask, Reverend, we were
wondering what great pearl of wisdom you may want to share with us
since you called us here. The old preacher looked at him and
replied, "as you know Jesus has been my example all my life, and
since he died between two theives I decided thats the way I wanted
Preacher with bandaid on his chin; "I'm sorry about this bandaid.
I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon"
Voice from the congregation: "Next time why not think about your
chin and cut the sermon?"
As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal
and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a
shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the
dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian
Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was
tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an
old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I am
sure you were fine." --Sue in Cuba, KS
What's the difference between giving God a thithe and giving a
tip? A tip is 15%.
There was a preacher that was trying out for a church. He always
used notes when he preached but he wanted to really impress the
congregation with his knowledge of the word, so he taped his notes
to the inside of his suit jacket. He began preaching, he said,
"Brothers and sisters the first man in the bibles name was, he
pulled open his jacket and said, Adam.". He began to preach on Adam
for awhile. He went to another point and said, "Brothers and sisters
the name of the man who built the arks name was, he pulled open his
jacket and said, Noah.". He preached on Noah for awhile. About this
time, he had been preaching with so vigoursly and did not notice
that the notes he had taped to his jacket had fallen to the floor.
He said to the congregation, "Brothers and sisters the man who the
bible says was after God's own heart was, he pulled open he jacket
and said, JC Penny!".
At a preacher's convention a preacher got up and started his
sermon with this sentence; "I spent the
best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife!" As the
congregation gasped he said, "She was my mother!"
Back home a young preacher decided to use this line in his sermon,
but he was feeling a bit uncertain that he
remembered it right. Forging ahead he started with, "I spent the
best years of my life in the arms of a woman not my wife".
The congregation gasped and the preacher paused, forgetting what the
punch line was. After a few nervous moments he said,
"And I can't remember who she was!"
A pastor was preaching on the Minor Prophets...all
twelve of them in one sermon. After two hours he was
only half-way through his message. Everyone was getting
restless. Most had stopped paying attention. After four
hours, to everyone's relief, he said "Finally...". It
was almost over, they thought. Then to their horror,
the Pastor said, "Oh my, I forgot about Micah...what
shall we do with Micah?". One old lady sitting right
in front could take no more. She stood up and said,
"Hey, preacher! Micah can take my seat...I'm going
The Reverend Doctor Baptist preacher was holding revival at a
rural church. After three inspired sermons one of the senior saints
of the congregation commented as she shook his hand on her way out:
"Sir, when they told my we were having one of those professor types
to preach our revival, I was not expecting to get much out of it.
But may I say that for a PhD, you preach like a man with no
education at all."
A Pulpit committee went to hear a prospective minister preach.
The best thing they liked about his sermon is that it was only 10
minutes long. They immediately called him as their new Pastor. His
first week in the new church he preached a 30 minute sermon. The
next week his sermon was almost 2 hours. The Deacons met with him
and asked him to explain. His response was, that the first time the
committee heard him preach, he had a new set of dentures in his
mouth that hurt him terribly so he could barely preach 10 minutes
and had to stop talking because of the pain. The second time he
preached, he said that his dentures felt fine so he preached a
normal 30 minute sermon. They said that explains those 2 sermons,
but please explain to us this last sermon that was 2 hours long. He
said that's easy, I got up that particular morning and accidentally
put My Wife's Dentures in my mouth, and when I started talking I
couldn't shut up!
A Methodist preacher was getting really enthusiastic in his
preaching to a group of Christians all gathered at one location,
when he said "It's great to see so many Methodists here today". A
voice from near the front said "I'm C of E". Seeing an interesting
discussion there he turned to the man and said "Why are you C of
E?". "Because my father was, and my father was because his
grandfather was". This wasn't quite what the Methodist had been
aiming for so he tried a different way: "What if your grandfather
had been mad? What if your father had been mad as well?".
"Well", came the reply "I guess I would be a Methodist"
Preacher: Can everyone hear me at the back?
Voice from the back: Yes, but I wouldn't mind changing seats with
someone who can't.
A preacher preached a vigorous sermon and a lady in the
congregation praised him highly and suggested that he should publish
his sermons. The preacher told her he was planning they be published
posthumously. To which she replied, "Well good, the sooner the
A young man preaching for the first time stood before the people
as the moments passed. At last, opening his mouth, slowly he began
to speak,..."On the way here this morning,. only God and I knew what
I was to share with you,...and now oly God knows!
One Sunday after the preacher had preached a vigorous sermon, he
was met by a little old lady at the door who said, "You know Pastor,
every sermon you preach is better than your next one."
If you believe that the Spirit moves the best on the back two
pews... You might be a Baptist.
Two snakes slithering down the road. One snake turned to the
other and asked are we poisonous? The other snake replied I don't
know why do you ask? He said cause I just bit my lip. THIS IS AN
EXCELLENT ICE BREAKER FOR VISITING PREACHERS.
A pastor was bragging that it only took him the time to walk from
the parsonage to the church to get his sunday sermon so the
congregation bought him a new house 10 miles from the church.
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her
mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A young preacher was preaching his first sermon and he laid his
notes out on the pulpit and about that time in came a blast of wind
and blew his notes out of the window. Nervous the young man laughed
and said I am sorry I lost my notes I guess I will just have to
A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention.
Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up." The
preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me
money when you grow up?" The little boy replies, "My dad says that
you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."
Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my
dad writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says
the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a
song he get's like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies:
"when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done
reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for
The preacher was shaking hands with the members of his
congregation after a service when one man approached him and said,
"That was a wonderful sermon today, pastor!" Filled with christian
modesty, the preacher replied, "Oh, it wasn't me, it was God." To
which the reply came, "It wasn't that good."
A new Preacher came to his first church, a little old country
church. The first Sunday, only one person showed up for the morning
service, a little old man in bib-over-alls. The Preacher said to the
man, "Brother, your seem to be the only one to show up this morning,
should I preach or what?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I
ain't no preacher, I'm just an old farmer, but if I had a truck load
of hay, and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd
feed that cow!" The Preacher, inspired by these words of wisdom,
began to preach like he never had before, he preached every thing he
had learned or heard and then began to make up stuff, finally after
2-hours, he finished. He looked to the little old man and said,
"Well brother, what did you think of my first sermon here?" The
little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher,I'm just a
little old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay and I went to
the pasture and only one cow showed up, I wouldn't dump the whole
load on him!" ceb 8/5/99
What do you call it when the elders agree with the Minister's
Ans. "Time For Supper"
Commitment: The chicken and the pig were walking past the church
one day and discussing the problems of world hunger. The chicken
suggested that between her species and the pig's they could provide
everyone in the world with a good breakfast of bacon and eggs every
morning. The pig thought long and hard before replying, 'That's OK
for you to say, because from you that's only a contribution - from
me that's total commitment!'