Humor for Easter

Nothing is certain except what and taxes?!?

The Gravestone Message
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."

Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"

Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

A: Hot Cross Bun(nies)

Six Things About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny:

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.

This happened a couple of Easters ago.
He comes to church once a year--always on Easter.  I'm glad to have this local rancher join us in worship and I shook his hand heartily as he left the church. 
"Great to worship with you today!"  I said.
"Really?" he responded.
"Sure.  It's always good to have you with us on Easter," I said.
He scratched his head.  "Well, maybe I'd come more often if you'd preach about something different!"  -- Rev. E. Marie Gasau

Good Friday Humor
This is a true story, told to me by a Sunday School teacher:   She was teaching the children about the meaning of Good Friday and asked the group if any of them knew what happened to Jesus on that day. "Sure," piped up a little boy, "he got hammered!"

The Show Must Go On
One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a pretty good show for the nickel you put in the collection plate." BB-AL 

Waiting for Jesus!
When my son was two and a half I had sent him to clean his room but each time he went in, he got distracted by all the toys and nothing got put away.
Following some principals I had learned at a recent prayer conference I went in and said to him, "Stephen, what did mommy tell you to do?"
"Clean my room"
"And did you clean your room?"
"No." he replied quietly.
I disciplined him and then helped him to pray and confess his error to God and ask Jesus to help him get his room cleaned.  He seemed to respond really well to all of this and I thought, "Wow, this stuff really works."
But Stephen just got down and sat in the middle of the mess, doing nothing.
In frustration I asked, "Stephen, what are are you doing?'
He replied, just as frustrated, "I'm waiting for Jesus to come and help me clean my room!"   ...Linda Eberly, Bennington, VT
 

Church Bulletin Blooper:
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Lasting Palm Sunday Impressions
My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her cut and paste brightly colored construction paper coats and palm branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them, shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"

In the Secret Service
A gentleman was in front of me coming out of church one day.  The preacher grabbed him by the hand, pulled him aside and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "

Pretty good for a nickel
One Easter, a family that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon their 9 year-old boy said, "I thought they were pretty good for the nickel you put in the collection plate."

Lovely Dress
My friend Sam Caldwell swears this really happened to him. Sam is an old retired country preacher who fills in regularly in our parts. Sam doesn't hear well at all, so everyone, even the children, know to speak loudly to him. One Easter Sunday, all the children came up for the children's message. Sam said to one little girl, "My that's a lovely dress. Is it new?" And the girl shouted, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron!"

How to kill eggs
Our daughter Lauren was 5. On the Saturday before Easter we were just finishing lunch when she jumped up excitedly and asked, "When are we going to KILL the eggs?" It took us awhile, but we finally decided she wanted to DIE the eggs.

What is Easter?
A Sunday School teacher was attempting to teach her young students the true meaning of Easter. "Why do we celebrate Easter?" she asked.  When the children replied 'because of the Easter bunny,' Easter eggs, candy, spring, etc., she said, "No, those are Easter traditions and symbols, but what is the REASON why we celebrate Easter?    What happened at the very first Easter?"  A little girl raised her hand and said, "Easter celebrates Jesus coming out of the tomb."    "Yes!" said the teacher, excited and relieved that finally the correct answer had surfaced.  Encouraged, she prompted, "Jesus arose from the tomb, and what does He do for us?"  The youngster replied, "He looks to see if he can see his shadow, and if He can, he goes back in for another six weeks."

---

Mother's Day Humor
 

Mom, the good shepherd

My mom is my shepherd; I shall not want. She makes me lie down under cool, downy comforts. She watches me play beside still waters. She restores my soul.

She leads me in paths of respect, responsibility, and goodness, for I am her namesake!

Yea, even though I walk past monsters in the dark, I will not be ascared, because my mom is always near me. Her hands and her voice, they comfort me.

Mama sets the table and cheerfully calls me to dinner even in front of big, mean bullies.

She anoints my skinned knees and broken heart with kisses. She smiles and throws me a towel when my cup runneth over.

Surely God's peace, power, and mercy shall uphold me all the days of my life, for my Mother taught me to dwell in the house of God forever.

Source: Christian Education 101: A Child Learns to Trust by Laurie Hays Coffman

Humor for Father's Day

Resources by DPS

   
Five Original Excuses to use if you forgot to call
"Dear Old Dad" on Father's Day:

5. "Your E-mail bounced."
4. "Thought you were supposed to call me."
3. "Did I surprise you by calling the day after Father's Day?"
2. Two words: "NBA Finals"
1. "I thought it was Mother's Day and called Mom instead."

Does your Dad speak with the voice of Reason or the
voice of Doom? What fatherly sayings had the biggest
influence on your life? Here are some fatherly sayings:

Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.
You didn't beat me. I let you win.
I'll play catch after I read the paper.
A little dirt never hurt anyone-just wipe it off.
You call that a haircut?
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
You call that noise "music"?
We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?
Didn't your teacher learn you anything?

Father's Day One-Liners:

• This is what my son said to me when he returned from
  boot-camp. "Dad, you're not as dumb as I thought".

• On the occasion of my brother's 21st birthday, my Dad
  said," Happy Birthday son. Now that you are a legal adult,
  remember you can go to jail with the big boys!"

• My dad always said "You can't get lost if you don't know
  where you are." clw in co

• My father's wise words have kept me out of some trouble,
  but not all...he used to say frequently, "Whenever in doubt
  don't!" Unfortunately I didn't doubt enough. BB in IL

This is a true story. One day, when I was about 19 years old, I
was changing the toilet paper roll, and unfortunately dropped the
wooden dowel down the toilet. My father was pretty angry with
me for my mistake. But he set out to take apart the fixture to
remove the dowel. He went into the basement to shut off the
water, and wanted me to help. I unfortunately turned the wrong
 valve and he got blasted with water. When he got dried off, I
drove him to the plumbing supply house for parts. By then I was
 even more upset, so when I parked the car I unfortunately got too
 close to the curb, rubbed the tire and got a flat. My poor Dad
changed the tire, bought the parts, fixed the toilet, turned back
on the water, and went on with his day. He passed away over
15 years ago, but I still remember his patience and restraint of
that day. Happy Father's Day, Dad!

_______

 

My dad and myself, never really had a chance to know each other
until I graduated from Bible college and was married. He was an active
drinker (high volume) until I was a late teen. One Sunday afternoon as
my wife and and I were leaving my parents house, I leaned over and
gave pop a hug. He grabbed me very tightly and in my ear said "I love
 you son," - The first time I ever remember him saying that! I told him
 the same and left the house on cloud nine. That "tradition" has not changed
for over 16 years now! Dads, TELL YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM
AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYE WHEN YOU DO IT!

Humor for the Pentecost Season

Dramatic Decoration for Pentecost with colorful drapes
Photo by Marcia McFee

In Case of Experiencing Sudden Pentecost Symptoms:

If you suddenly find yourself caught in an indoor tornado and your scalp on fire, it might be ...Pentecost.

Know what to do:

Notify the front desk.

Fight the urge to stop, drop and roll - You ain't puttin; this Fiyah out!

Make disciples of all nations!

Invest in a toupee. Bald preachers are shady.

 

Pentecost is stifled?
OUR parish priest had a flair for the dramatic. He got the idea of having a pigeon released from the belfry on Pentecost just at the moment when, on the church steps in front of the procession of worshipers, he would say, "Come, Holy Spirit!"   Pentecost came, and the sacristan put a pigeon in a bag, went upstairs to the belfry and waited. When the priest pronounced the words, nothing happened.  A few seconds later, we heard a voice from the belfry, "It's stifled!"

Trying to be more "Pentecostal?"
While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted to memorize the page number.(#238)  Right about that time a 'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout "Hallelujah!"  Instead of the intended shout of praise, however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!

Too much excitement in church?
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

Pentecostal Faith:
A little boy told by his mother that he might go on a picnic she had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've already prayed for rain."
 

Is anybody out there?
As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I am sure you were fine."  --Sue in Cuba, KS

Humor for Pastor Appreciation Day / Month